Today I went to the book sale ladies, to ask politely when they'd be putting out their recycling bins again. The head lady - wiry & whitehaired, and someone who'd take offence to being called a woman - laid into me about the mess I'd made rifling through their books the last time. She went on about the university departments that blamed her for it, the fact that no one wants these books regularly. She finally put her finger to her temple, and twisting it, told me, "If you think, if you think I'm going to tell you when we put those bins out again, you're screwed in the head." I apologized for any mess I'd made but said I couldn't take responsibility for the dozens of people who were book-hunting like me. I don't think it made much difference.

Book ladies - approach with caution

As a secretary, I'm often blamed for other people's messes. I'm not often called crazy, but at this institution, being rude & vitriolic is the norm, not the exception. What surprised me - and prompted this blog entry - was an excuse another book lady made for her ringleader's behaviour: "You're talking to 7 mothers here."

Maternal instincts

To translate, I think she meant that this is the language mothers reserve for their children when they step out of line. These 'children' - students (which I'm not, but I don't look 31) - need to be put in their place, given a firm hand, etc.

This woman was verbally abusive and a little unhinged. But this was all justified, because it's how she treated her children, and thus how she'd treat everyone else. Which makes me wonder: when do parents have a license to insult and denigrate their children?

I'm not a parent and have no plans to become one. I can hear the chorus of harassed mothers: "Oh, you don't know what it's like." However, I consider this a political question (like most things), so I feel I have a right to comment on it, just as I have an opinion on other people's identities.

The youth need the stern discipline of Uncle Joe!

The fact is, this kind of language is common. I hear it all the time, mostly from mothers directed at their children. I'm not talking about yelling or disciplining; if my child ran out into traffic, I'd want to make damn sure he recognized the consequences. I'm talking about comments designed to belittle and insult the other person.

Many children aren't persons in adult's eyes. That's why socialists talk about 'the youth' as a category of oppression: young people are oppressed by virtue of their age. Due to the family being a key site for the reproduction of labour, children are made to bear the pressures society places on the family. They're supposed to comfort & placate their parents, being emotional & physical punching bags. And, like most things in capitalist society, they're commodified, made into the property of their parents.

I should postface these remarks by saying that I know many people who are good parents, and likewise many people who've survived their families intact. However, I know no one who hasn't been affected by the above dynamic.

Naturally, mothers are affected as well. They're subject to dual oppressions as women and as workers (if that's not too 2nd-wave of me), inside or outside the home, each with its own particular forms of oppression. (I think the sale of labour power is a more central site of capitalist production than the reproduction of labour inside the home. But I'm willing to hear otherwise.)

Wilhelm Reich, Communist psychiatrist who led the German Sex-Pol movement, creating spaces for youth development outside the family. And, eventually, orgasm machines.

Given these pressures, it's natural that women would take this out on their children. For a socialist treatment of these dynamics, I'd recommend: Surplus Powerlessness: The Psychodynamics of Everyday Life and the Psychology of Individual and Social Transformation, by radical psychologist Michael Lerner.

However, human agency being what it is, everyone has a choice. Many families are fucked up by capitalism; many other families are able to build loving relationships free of abuse. What made my experience today so jarring was its normalcy. What I would consider abusive language coming from my friends, was apparently part of daily discourse for the booklady. And her friends considered this natural language for a mother to use.

I wouldn't call booklady a particularly disempowered woman - being a 'wife of the university' has its rewards. At the same time, abuse cuts across class lines. A universal human frailty seems to be an inability to process what's happening to you, externalizing your response instead. This is a reason, not an excuse. It makes me sad when I see someone using capitalist ideology - of the family or the state - to justify their own poor behaviour.